A meditation on Death
This is mostly about tarot.
Death, that is, the card, has been showing up for me quite a lot since last December, when I lost my beloved emotional support pup Mo. I am quite lost without her and so I felt that this energy appearing again and again was related to that loss. It hurts like fire; I have never lost a soul-bonded dog before. Indeed, Mo was my first dog, and so much like me that we even shared the same pleading eyebrows, the same worried expression. She was voluminous in vocabulary and glossy in her black fur, was my Mo. I miss her so much.
But ultimately that is not what this post is really about, nor is it the reason I’ve been receiving the Death card so often. No, what it signifies, what it means, is that it’s time for me to let some things go to make room for something new. What it means is that something no longer serves me, something no longer makes sense in the overall rhythm of my life, and I must identify it, and shed it. Aphrodite Tymborychos, Aphrodite Tombdigger, has also been making it clear that I should dedicate myself to this important process. We all must go through it at various points in our lives.
But these sheddings are never easy, of course. Skin needs encouragement to slough off, it needs exfoliation, friction, a rubbing away of the dead so that new life can be refreshed, restored. And it needs aftercare to flourish: moisturizing, protection from the sun, gentle and insistent touch. So it is with the Death process as it works in our lives.
Aphrodite says She will take me down to the tombs as many times as is necessary for me to learn that this is a good and healthy thing to do, that it is not something to fear. And fear does keep me in place for a lot of these tiny Deaths I experience. I imagine that’s a common reaction. We grow stubborn, attached, deeply connected to the things we don’t want to lose. If we are not flexible, if we are not supple under the eye of Death, it becomes a problem, a huge difficulty to surmount rather than the serene moment of rebirth that it is meant to be.
A lot of us get stuck at varying points in the cycle. A lot of us fuss and negate and reject the premise, the very idea that parts of ourselves must die - even if that is a figurative death! What ego can sustain such a request, no, a demand? But Aphrodite Tymborychos teaches us that we must come to a position of acceptance in this equation, to get used to the eternal cycle running through us like an unstoppable river. To be grateful for the opportunities we‘ve had with what we must now give up or release. To carve our memories into our very bones, so that a fragment of the necessary sacrifice remains.
So what is it, in my life in particular, that needs to die? That needs to go? That needs to be swept out to sea?
I am no longer going to be selling tarot readings in an official capacity. For years now, I have been subscribed to many services to facilitate the selling of tarot readings to anyone who might want one, costing me a good bit of coin while serving no real purpose, as there were no orders for readings, ever, despite being judged a great reader by those I know and knew. And I had not received any requests since I started doing reading tarot professionally, in fact. But for right now, I am ceasing all “business” as related to my tarot practice. I even closed and cancelled my Stripe account!
This is something I’ve had to work out with Aphrodite by my side, because let me tell you.. it is and was monstrously demoralizing to every day see that I was making no sales, reading no cards for others, and most importantly, the whole thing was making me dislike and become disenchanted with the tarot. That is something I never wanted to happen. But I want to do more tarot, I said. I want to do tarot for the people, I said. I wanted to sell readings, and have it be a little side business, all cute and themed and planned out.
But the fact of the matter is: I deal with both chronic pain and disabling mental illness. I am autistic with ADHD on top of that. I simply could not and cannot keep all the plates spinning that need to be spun for such an endeavor to be successful. Always, a plate or four was wobbling, ready to fall. And regrettably, I am not adroit enough to catch them every time. Between managing my illnesses and a full time job, I could not keep after advertising. Instagram reels. More ads. Ads. Ads. Write write write. Constantly pushing my availability, samples of what I could do. Making art about it. The vulnerability of being that open, face to face, with other people. Needing reviews to be considered legitimate but being too shy or hesitant to ask for them from the clients I did have. More posting. More angst.
Aphrodite helped me to see that it just wasn’t for me, right now. That I am needed in different ways, as our world turns to war and even more hatred and division. I am still doing my daily personal practice of tarot. I am still worshipping Aphrodite. I am still a witch who does spells and keeps herbs and chants to invite benevolent energies. I am still acquiring decks and doing random studies on the cards within - you can see that at my Patreon if you are so inclined. I’ve put a lot of effort into the posts there, recently finishing my complete study of the Eros Tarot deck. I am still in a coven and I am still attending my tarot lessons with Lindsay Mack. Tarot and I are deeply enmeshed; that hasn’t changed.
Instead, I am evolving. I am growing. Without the cost burden of all those services, I will worry less about finances. I may yet offer bespoke tarot readings to select clientele, by inquiry, but I haven’t fully decided on that one yet. Aphrodite took one look at me when I lost my beloved Mo and said, “you are not properly caring for yourself. And it’s making you hate tarot. Stop. Let it go.” So I am.
It’s a heartbreaking decision, I won’t lie to you. I wanted to maintain success, be known in the witch community for my readings, my ability to tell the cards. I have altered my website to remove my store listings and some other information; that was painful to do, but necessary. All part of the process. Let go. Breathe. I can do it, I can get through the disappointment in myself, and maybe even the feeling that I’ve disappointed mentors who believed in me. Ultimately, though, I am accountable to myself, my spouse, and my Goddess. I have to do the things that lead to pleasure and enjoyment, and track away from dread, sorrow, and doubt in my own abilities.
It is going to be all right. I am still planning on authoring and illustrating an oracle deck someday. I will still be writing this newsletter, hopefully more often, but sometimes the world stings you into numbness and you simply cannot operate - who can write with hands that do not feel, a mind that is stilled by trauma and tragedy? Yet Aphrodite has given Her decree in this, too: when I am overwhelmed by the evil in the world, I am to disengage with news sources and go about the business of caring for myself.
And it is what I’d suggest to everyone right now. We are in unprecedented times, a phrase I’m sure you’re sick of hearing, as I am. But what I mean to say is that none of this is normal. None of it. The weight of the world can interfere with the natural process of Death in our lives. It can put things off, as it did for me. It can make it seem like your anxiety, fear, or dread is coming from somewhere else other than the things that need to be released. Take a moment if you need to, disconnect, and let that fucking weight go. Then we can get back to the business of worrying for the world.
Some tips and tricks for dealing with Death in this manner: try not to let any of it splash on anyone else unless you have their consent to help you through this. I am lucky in that I have my spouse’s full support in this decision. Create a mock funeral or wake for what you‘re letting go of. Make it solemn, or campy, however suits the moment and would bring you peace and joy. Do some journaling about it, perhaps even pull some tarot cards. Recognize that it is sometimes a long term situation, and that grief is normal even when you’re voluntarily releasing something. Celebrate, or cry tears of regret and rage and finally sorrow as it fades from your life. Whatever you do, allow yourself the gift of feeling it. The things we have to release were once very dear to our hearts.
Most of all, root into deep cosmic love with the people who surround you. This is the word of Aphrodite Ourania - Aphrodite of the Heavens. It will help sustain us all as we transition into a spiky, hostile world stage. Hold yourself and your loved ones dear to your heart. And always, always remember that I love you, too.
—J
